My Beautiful Sistas,
Hello my name is Nikki and this is my first entry on this site. I need some wisdom, perspective and spiritual strength, for I am running on empty. I'm 37 and I am married. My husband is part of the latin american community. He's 31 part mexican, pt. puerto rican. We've been together for 5yrs but married 4. This is not by any means a romantic, sweep me off my feet union. It was complicated from the start. I've often set myself up for disaster. I'm not be any means a weak individual....at 14, grew up in foster care and was emacipated at 18. Dropped out of school my 11th yr, was pregnant by 19 and homeless by 21. Went to job corps and rec. GED. By 24. I grew up fast and hard. So I guess you can say that my choice of men aren't the best for me, stastically speaking.
As I said before, issues min.1 but just in the past in 2 yrs. its gotten worst. Anything from daily conversations that normal people would have, but in my case daily conversations make him defensive and then arguements occurs. I don't mean just a tiff. I'm talking full blown beligerant fights. I'm not an unreasonable person to get along with. But I will never allow any man to tell me I am a horrible person for my beliefs and my up bringng. Example, I believe abused kids grow up to abuse. (I don't mean physical abuse,) to me emotional and mental are more damaging than the physical. In my husbands case he don't know he's doing it. His mother is the mother of satan. I don't use terms like that loosely, but any mother who purposely has sons and uses them for financial means, then turns around, makes them feeI guilty. Its like a crazy lifetime movie. You know the ones about a crazy mother who has seperation issues with her sons. I also believe that if you have kids that you bring into a marriage/relationship, no matter the love you have for that person, your love for your kids should be greater. My husband has 3 kids, and through out the yrs I've grown to love them. I have a daughter she's 17, mines practically grown, but my husbands kids are still young, and through out the years I've watched both mother and father ruin the spirits of them. I've watch a man cry one day for not being able to see his kids to, going to court and fight for visitations which by the way he's not seen since april 30th. This is troubling to me. He had the opportunity to go to a father/daughter dance with his oldest (10) had the girl all xcited about showing off her daddy and what does he do.... stands her up. Don't get me wrong, I mean he got in his truck to drive to her school in California, but because he didn't stop at a gas station and ran out of gas, he was stranded on the I-10, then called for a tow, got gas and then decided to come all the way home in AZ. I said to him even if you miss the dance, just enjoy the rest of the fathers weekend with your kids, Right? So after speaking logic he continuues his drive to CA, just to be stopped by rush hour traffic, then decides to turn around and comes back to AZ. My husband is mentally a teenager with no signs of understanding the road he's going down and taking his kids along for the ride. This road will leave him alone and lonely. As for me I was going along for the ride, but I have recently gotten off and he is clueless to my reasonings. Yes , still married but thinking of seperation, I want for him to prioritize his kids first. Even though we argue and fight and I'm clear about how I feel and what I think is wrong with us as a couple. These are conversations we've discussed and in 5 yrs ,there is no sign of relief in sight. God knows my pain and the countless tears I've cried. But ladies I must say.....I'm all cried out as of yesterday. But could use some overdue advice please.
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